Today:
Number of times I burst into tears - 1
Number of times I burst into hysterical laughter - 1
Number of times I burst into tears/hysterical laughter simultaneously - 1
This was all before noon. Okay, I may be going a bit daft, but I'm thinking I'm entitled. Kevin was telling me maybe we can get some twin pictures. He was meaning that when we're both bald we can get pictures taken together. I misunderstood. I thought by "twins" he meant the girls, aka my breasts. Photographing them now wouldn't really do them justice given all the bruising from the biopsy sites. Kevin said it's a good thing you texted me that naked picture the day before you found out you had cancer. This is where I burst into tears.
Technically, it was the day before my doctor found the lump. We didn't know it was cancer until several days later. Anyway, I completely forgot that I had done that. It was such a carefree gesture. I was struck by the fact that there was a day not long ago that I didn't know I had cancer. Obviously, I had it when I took the picture. It was just hiding behind perfectly healthy looking breasts. Now those obliviously white breasts are captured digitally forever.
At this point I'm quite a sight. My breasts are black and blue, and I've got track marks and bruising on both arms that would rival a junkie. I doubt the bruising is going to heal before I lose a breast in a couple of weeks. So I guess it is good that we have the picture, but it also hurts and feels a little mocking right now. I'm glad Kevin has it, but I don't think it's anything I will want to see for a long time. I know this feeling is temporary. I know the important thing is to survive.
We went to the plastic surgeon this afternoon. I'm getting a little tired of going to doctor appointments. I can't begin with the reconstruction until after radiation, but the plastic surgeon likes to have the initial consultation prior to the mastectomy. I think there's merit to meeting early in the process. First, there are some surgical decisions you can make up front that may aid in the reconstruction. Also, I think I will be better prepared emotionally having seen her photos of mastectomies and reconstructions. The reconstructions, while certainly more attractive than the post surgery condition still show significant scarring. I found the whole thing creepy and disappointing, but it's better I have time to digest the images before I see myself in a similar condition. She also told me that I'm in great shape and that I don't have enough belly fat to construct a left breast the same size as the right. So no free tummy tuck. There are definitely some other options though.
We spent some of the evening gathering documents for our income tax appointment tomorrow. This will be the first year I haven't done my own taxes. I'm looking forward to having it checked off the to do list. Going to spend tomorrow taking a break from cancer. No testing for cancer / talking about cancer / reading about cancer / preparing for cancer treatment / blogging about cancer. This means I will probably have to avoid my phone / email / facebook / and everyone I know (apart from Kevin and Midori who are on board with the hiatus), but it will be worth it for a brief respite. Check back tomorrow for a benign blog update.
No comments:
Post a Comment