Serenity

I'm down to three rounds of chemo.  I find out next week when I start radiation, but it will probably be mid to late October.  Around March, I will have a full chest MRI and a mammogram of my right breast.  It's a long time to wait for a first indication of whether any of this worked.  I love that people read my blog, but I should warn you about this entry.  If you follow this, because you like that I keep a sense of humor despite my situation, I probably won't say anything too funny tonight.  (I've been taking a short reprieve, but I expect to be fully sarcastic in a couple of days.)  But if you read this, because you want to know me better, or because you love me, then read it, because it's about me.

I feel like I need more time to spend alone with Kevin, because he is my heart.  We've started to rediscover a tenderness for each other that we've neglected the last few years as we became new parents, new family relationships have emerged, and balances have shifted.  It's an honor to have witnessed the man he has become in the time I've known him.  I've not always seen what is before my eyes, but I see it now, and I treasure it.

I feel like I need more time to spend with Midori.  Sometimes I think I could spend every minute of every day with her, and it would never be enough.  She is my joy and my eternity.  I feel like you could crush me into nothing, and the dust of my bones would still love her.

I feel like I need more time for myself so I can write my blog, organize my pictures, make a DVD for the guests of Midori's third birthday party, or just sit and cry if I feel like it.

Then of course I have to go to work, and one doctor after the other, and all of the places that people have to go.  If only I could figure out how to stop time.

At our last church, one of the pastors gave a sermon, that has been on my mind.  I don't recall the entire context, but he was talking about trusting God.  He said that the area where he struggled with this was concerning his children, because he felt for them that he wanted to be the one to choose.

I have a lifelong friend who just had a mastectomy, and she's nervous, waiting for the final pathology report to come back with the final staging.  When I had my surgery, I didn't realize this was something that needed worrying over.  I thought between the mammograms, biopsies, ultrasounds, PET/CT scan, bone scan, and MRI that the clinical staging would be on the money, and that the final report would confirm it.  I was wrong.  I went from a stage 2 to a stage 3c just like that.  When I told people I had breast cancer, I also told them I had a high likelihood of survival.  That was based on the clinical staging.  I don't think I've circled back to everyone to tell them it's now the toss of a coin.

Since I've learned about my cancer, my faith has not wavered.  I've known all along that I need God now more than ever.  Kevin said that some people in this situation have a crisis of faith to which I replied that I would be an idiot to pick a fight with God right now.  I have a friend who said that he used to believe in God, but now he believes he is either not real or that he is an absentee father.  I know that God is with me.  I also know that people don't always receive the healing they pray for.  If it were just me, I could pray, take this cup from me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what you will.  However, I'm like the preacher and the sermon that's been on my mind.  I have a hard time  accepting this, because in my estimation, some of the possible outcomes are not good enough for Midori.  She is too young, and I want her to have every advantage, including a mother.  That is the part that scares me to death and breaks my heart to think about.

So while God is drawing me close, I am keeping my distance a little sometimes.  But here's the thing, I know, and he knows, that I will be ready, in time,  to accept whatever happens.  I also know that he may not give me all the time I want, but he'll at least give enough time to make my peace.  This I know.  I hope to be here a long time, but even if I'm not I know that Midori will be okay.  I know that, in all things God works for the good of those who love him.  I know all of these things.  I'm just not quite ready to accept them all.  I think I am ready to ask God to help me get ready though.

Kevin and I were watching a tv show where one of the characters is a recovering addict, and they reference the serenity prayer.  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  I told Kevin maybe, it's time I borrow this prayer.  He asked me if I'm giving up.  To which I say hell no.  I just can't go around refusing to accept what's happened to me and what could happen just because I don't think it's good enough.