My life has become a well practiced exercise in suck it up. Thinking of changing my name to Buttercup. I wonder if my dad would be proud of me if he were alive today, being the stoic bootstrap sort. On the days I don't feel like taking two steps without resting in between, I get up, put on my make up and my wig and go to work, perform at a high level, smile and say, "I'm good, how are you doing?" a hundred times, come home, assemble dinner, play with Midori except for when I'm being a bad mom and let iPad or Nick Jr babysit, which when you mention it is a lot, (maybe I'll do the mommy guilt post next), and keep putting one foot in front of the other until I am finally able to go to bed and praise God that I've made it through another day. And that's just the weekdays. I think to myself, I wonder what life would be like if people could simply rest when tired.
Kevin asked me last night, "are you okay"? I understand the question, but I don't understand what the potential responses mean. If I say yes, is it like standing in front of the elevator at work, exchanging a pleasantry? Or does it mean that everything is fine and normal and obviously not scary? If I say no, does that mean of course not, because I'm having cancer treatment and I'm human? Or does it mean I'm in distress call 911? I think I do better getting my head around an open ended question.
Speaking of cancer treatment and distress, yesterday I had my third weekly Taxol. Only nine more to go. The first one was a little intimidating. They told me some people have an allergic reaction so they had me take 5 extra doses of the steroid I'm on the night before and 5 more the morning of. Before they started the treatment they wheeled in the oxygen tank and the boldly marked anaphylaxis kit. That gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling of confidence. Turns out the nurse babysat me the whole time but didn't need to intervene with any life saving measures. They took extra precautions with my second round of Taxol as well, but after the first two they say if it hasn't surfaced by now, it's unlikely that I will have an allergic reaction. The great news is that Taxol is a walk in the park compared to Adriamycin. I don't feel nearly as sick for nearly as long. I have some minor gastro-interference. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. There's some minor neuropathy in my hands. Fatigue is the biggest side effect at this point. Nine more weeks of cumulative fatigue. Next month is Kevin's birthday, our wedding anniversary, Kevin's dad's 60th birthday, Lanae's birthday, visit from my Florida Aunt and Uncle, Daniel's wedding, family vacation, not to mention anything about August work deliverables (which I most likely would not mention publicly even if there wasn't a policy expressly prohibiting it). Should be interesting.
When we ask how you're doing, we know it's relative, but we're also looking for a chance to help if you're especially down. Maybe "I'm in the mood for chocolate" is a good answer.
ReplyDeleteGlad this round is still going better. 62 days...