My life has become a well practiced exercise in suck it up. Thinking of changing my name to Buttercup. I wonder if my dad would be proud of me if he were alive today, being the stoic bootstrap sort. On the days I don't feel like taking two steps without resting in between, I get up, put on my make up and my wig and go to work, perform at a high level, smile and say, "I'm good, how are you doing?" a hundred times, come home, assemble dinner, play with Midori except for when I'm being a bad mom and let iPad or Nick Jr babysit, which when you mention it is a lot, (maybe I'll do the mommy guilt post next), and keep putting one foot in front of the other until I am finally able to go to bed and praise God that I've made it through another day. And that's just the weekdays. I think to myself, I wonder what life would be like if people could simply rest when tired.
Kevin asked me last night, "are you okay"? I understand the question, but I don't understand what the potential responses mean. If I say yes, is it like standing in front of the elevator at work, exchanging a pleasantry? Or does it mean that everything is fine and normal and obviously not scary? If I say no, does that mean of course not, because I'm having cancer treatment and I'm human? Or does it mean I'm in distress call 911? I think I do better getting my head around an open ended question.
Speaking of cancer treatment and distress, yesterday I had my third weekly Taxol. Only nine more to go. The first one was a little intimidating. They told me some people have an allergic reaction so they had me take 5 extra doses of the steroid I'm on the night before and 5 more the morning of. Before they started the treatment they wheeled in the oxygen tank and the boldly marked anaphylaxis kit. That gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling of confidence. Turns out the nurse babysat me the whole time but didn't need to intervene with any life saving measures. They took extra precautions with my second round of Taxol as well, but after the first two they say if it hasn't surfaced by now, it's unlikely that I will have an allergic reaction. The great news is that Taxol is a walk in the park compared to Adriamycin. I don't feel nearly as sick for nearly as long. I have some minor gastro-interference. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. There's some minor neuropathy in my hands. Fatigue is the biggest side effect at this point. Nine more weeks of cumulative fatigue. Next month is Kevin's birthday, our wedding anniversary, Kevin's dad's 60th birthday, Lanae's birthday, visit from my Florida Aunt and Uncle, Daniel's wedding, family vacation, not to mention anything about August work deliverables (which I most likely would not mention publicly even if there wasn't a policy expressly prohibiting it). Should be interesting.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Don't Worry
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I had treatment number four of the adriamycin and cytoxin on Friday. People tell me it doesn't get any worse than this. In two weeks I start weekly taxol, and that is supposed to be a lot easier. I'm pretty fatigued right now, but based on prior experience, I expect to be at my lowest over the next three days. While I live in anticipation of that delight, I just continue to try to live as fully as I can.
For the prior treatments, we've had the nanny look after Midori overnight after my infusion. It's been so helpful, because the infusion process is draining, the drugs they give me to prevent a reaction make me drowsy, and it gives me a day to leach the toxins out as a precaution before being in contact with her again. This week, Friday also coincided with the nanny's annual July 4th weekend family camping trip. Rather than disrupt their tradition or try to keep Midori after my chemo, we agreed to send Midori along. It makes me sad that we're not together on the holiday and that my baby is on her first camping trip without me, but my life has in many ways become an exercise in choosing from among the least ideal options. I can't wait to see her tomorrow!
On the bright side, Kevin and I got to spend some time together, and I was able to conserve my energy more than had Midori been with us. Perhaps it will help me as I head into the downward slide the next few days. It was actually a pretty full weekend. Friday night we went to a movie which might not be something I'd be up for post chemo, but we went to a different kind of theater where you sit in a recliner with a blanket and a pillow, and a waiter comes to you to serve you. I basically just laid there in the same fashion I would have at home, but since there was a big screen and a waiter involved, I think it qualifies as date night. Saturday, we got to visit briefly with some friends we haven't seen in a long time on our way to a day long wedding celebration. The wedding was beautiful. The couple is made for each other, and I think the message was an uplifting reminder to all married couples. Sunday, we went to church and sale shopping with family. Today we went to Kevin's mom's for family dinner to celebrate the fourth. I was surely limited at each gathering this weekend. I had to sit more than be active. I had to cut things short, but I tried as best I could to be present and part of life.
My hope is that by participating in life's gatherings yet conserving my energy, I struck the right balance to be quite productive at work this week even as I slide into the valley. I have so much on my plate. In the business world, hope is not a strategy, but if you ask the famous tax collector, he'll tell you to let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go sleep in peace and let tomorrow worry about itself. I hope.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I had treatment number four of the adriamycin and cytoxin on Friday. People tell me it doesn't get any worse than this. In two weeks I start weekly taxol, and that is supposed to be a lot easier. I'm pretty fatigued right now, but based on prior experience, I expect to be at my lowest over the next three days. While I live in anticipation of that delight, I just continue to try to live as fully as I can.
For the prior treatments, we've had the nanny look after Midori overnight after my infusion. It's been so helpful, because the infusion process is draining, the drugs they give me to prevent a reaction make me drowsy, and it gives me a day to leach the toxins out as a precaution before being in contact with her again. This week, Friday also coincided with the nanny's annual July 4th weekend family camping trip. Rather than disrupt their tradition or try to keep Midori after my chemo, we agreed to send Midori along. It makes me sad that we're not together on the holiday and that my baby is on her first camping trip without me, but my life has in many ways become an exercise in choosing from among the least ideal options. I can't wait to see her tomorrow!
On the bright side, Kevin and I got to spend some time together, and I was able to conserve my energy more than had Midori been with us. Perhaps it will help me as I head into the downward slide the next few days. It was actually a pretty full weekend. Friday night we went to a movie which might not be something I'd be up for post chemo, but we went to a different kind of theater where you sit in a recliner with a blanket and a pillow, and a waiter comes to you to serve you. I basically just laid there in the same fashion I would have at home, but since there was a big screen and a waiter involved, I think it qualifies as date night. Saturday, we got to visit briefly with some friends we haven't seen in a long time on our way to a day long wedding celebration. The wedding was beautiful. The couple is made for each other, and I think the message was an uplifting reminder to all married couples. Sunday, we went to church and sale shopping with family. Today we went to Kevin's mom's for family dinner to celebrate the fourth. I was surely limited at each gathering this weekend. I had to sit more than be active. I had to cut things short, but I tried as best I could to be present and part of life.
My hope is that by participating in life's gatherings yet conserving my energy, I struck the right balance to be quite productive at work this week even as I slide into the valley. I have so much on my plate. In the business world, hope is not a strategy, but if you ask the famous tax collector, he'll tell you to let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go sleep in peace and let tomorrow worry about itself. I hope.
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